its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
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