when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
