You just made me feel so damn special
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Randomize
