dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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