She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
he laminated a picture of his dick.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Randomize
