I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
