yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
