just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
