I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
