My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
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