Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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