So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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