oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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