even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Randomize
