Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
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