Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
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