Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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