Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
My balls are so social today.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
My breasts were aching with rage.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
