You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Randomize
