when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
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