I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
