I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
My legs feel like baby dolphins
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize