i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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