I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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