I think i sorta joined a cult last night
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
