I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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