yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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