even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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