I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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