there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
