Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
