I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Randomize