I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
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