please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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