She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
