Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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