sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
