I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
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