I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
