A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
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