So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Randomize
