my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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