I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
Dude i just saw JT leaving the hospital. He drove there to get fluids because he was too drunk, so they hooked him up to an IV so he didn't get alcohol poisoning. Did I mention he drove there? Oh yea and our roommates in the hospital with alcohol poisoning, she just puked up coal. So many ppl are here, it's like a hospital party, I love spring quarter!
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Randomize
