I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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