Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
