I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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