My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
