Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
Randomize
