Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
Randomize
