I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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