onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
Randomize
