you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
