smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
well you can't waste a boner
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Randomize
