Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
