i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
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