he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Randomize
