Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Randomize
