a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize