I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
