I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
