My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
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