masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Randomize
