OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Randomize
