Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
