no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Randomize
