If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
